अध्याय। 🦚

 01:30 am

So today what happened is that I was under pressure for so many days, which is why I couldn't sleep at all last night. I was just crying... I woke up at 6 in the morning thinking about what I would do and how I would do it... I just couldn't get out of bed. How does someone who doesn't wake up that early manage to get up so early to go for an exam... Anyway, I had to go... I was alone at the center... many students like me were standing outside the gate... I was pretending that everything was normal, but I was very scared inside. Mostly everyone was in formal attire, and I was in casuals. I felt like I didn't even look presentable... I was trying to find my room number somehow... while standing in line, 3-4 people talked to me about the exam, and somehow my confidence got a boost. There was a girl there, very smart... she came and asked me for the center code and wished me all the best. I was really happy with just that little thing. I was overthinking for no reason. I submitted my bag and sat in the allotted classroom... there was an hour left before the exam started... even in class, 2 girls initiated a conversation with me... slowly we started discussing among 3-4 people... no one knew anyone's names… still don’t know. But still, talking to them made me feel less left out.

 Infact, I totally enjoyed the discussion, which was related to studies and the exam. Now it was time for the exam. Looking at the question paper made me sweat. I didn’t know anything. It felt like the fear I had inside was showing on my face. It was very cold, but my hands and feet were completely warm and numb. My hands were shaking from fear. I thought about leaving the room and just running outside. But since I was there, I decided to try. Somehow, I managed about 30-35 questions... I was happy that at least something came up... but what is this? I looked at the clock, and almost 2 hours had passed, and now there was just one hour left. I picked up the speed and attempted some more questions. I can never manage time. But somehow, the paper got over. I felt a sense of relief. I don’t know if I will pass or fail, but today I feel so relaxed. And now I feel how stupid I am... it was just one exam, a small one. Why so much mental stress for it... and what's more, I’m not even afraid of the result. It feels okay if I fail; I’ll just give it again. I’ll study well... it’s just one exam.

Yesterday, I was unnecessarily upset and angry. I am very grateful to those who talked to me and comforted me, saying that everything would be alright... and truly, everything is alright now. I got my lessons and look, if the result isn't good this time, it's my responsibility to fix it. From now on, I won't consider any exam bigger than my life.  

(वैसे आज सुबह जंगल में मोर नाचा और मैंने देखा भी पर एग्जाम का डर इतना था कि खुद का मोर बन गया था)

S.S.