Chaand par chai ☕️

 6:27 am Have you ever felt that you are very good according to this world, or can you say that you are so pure at heart that you can't really exist in this generation? Or have you felt that no matter how much you do for others, you don't get as much in return? Yet, you still remain a good person. You don't do bad to anyone? Yes, I used to think like that too because obviously, I haven't done bad to anyone either . But to be honest, I have thought about doing bad, I have wanted to, but I didn't. And you know, that wasn't my goodness; maybe it was just the fear of doing something or the fear of divine punishment. God brings every action's settlement before you. I am writing this from my personal experience that I have received an settlement of everything good or bad I have done so far (in fact, even more than that). Whenever I had bad thoughts in my mind or about others, something wrong happened to me. Whenever I hurt someone or became the reason for someone...

 05:20 am In my childhood, I had a fixed routine, and it used to bother me a lot when I would grow up and be able to do everything I wanted. Earlier, if I stayed awake after 10 PM, my mom would scold me, and I used to think, why can't it be that I can also stay awake after 10 PM, watch TV comfortably, sit and talk... use my phone too. But now, it's completely the opposite; now I feel like I wish it could go back to the way it was when my mom would scold me. I want to have a routine. I don't want to have to make any extra efforts.  I don't want to set an alarm clock and hit the snooze option.   I want to have a purpose when I wake up so that I can wake up happily .  I don't want it to be hard to get out of bed. And now, for the past few years, there really is no routine at all. I don't know when it's morning, when it's evening, or when it's night. There is no fixed time for eating, no time for bathing, nothing at all. Many times I thought about fixing...

 01:30 am A lot of busy days are going by. I'm feeling very mixed emotions. Some things feel good, while some feel bad. Some things seem wrong, while others seem right. I'm trying to understand a lot. But I don't know if the way I'm approaching life is the right approach or not. I'm starting to feel this way. There's very little time... I don’t know what I'm counting down to, but it feels like a countdown is going on. While enjoying a moment, it suddenly hits me, and I start thinking. Something feels wrong even though I'm mostly spending time with family, Yet, I still feel a guilt. I'm trying very hard not to be stressed, and I'm thinking with a fairly calm mind. Right now, I'm so sleepy that while writing, my phone is slipping from my hand, but that nagging feeling in my mind keeps bothering me throughout the day, making me think about what exactly I'm feeling guilty about. मेरे मन में जो चोर छुपकर बैठा है अगर वो पकड़ जाएगा तो शायद ये खे...

 03:00 am Today there was a function at home that I was not at all excited to attend. I had no preparations, no new clothes, nothing, because I don't like crowds. But I had to attend; there was no other option. The whole day went in that. It was quite a tiring day. I noticed a major difference in my life, which is that earlier I didn’t like many people in my family. It felt like everyone was taunting me or whatever. But as I’m growing up, I don’t know why, but I find those people to be fine because the work I used to do was getting scolded or taking taunts. And on top of that, knowing the truth is very important. Now, I am not afraid of the questions asked during family gatherings, and I don’t fear if they say something offensive to me. I am running away less from things now. I am developing a habit of acceptance. Today, I met a lot of people, many extended family members. Everyone had many questions and suggestions, and I answered them all very calmly and also took everyone's ...

03:14 am The year is coming to an end. But as I mentioned, I'm very scared of changes, but at the same time, when nothing was changing in life, that was also creating problems. (बड़ी दुविधा है)   I can say that whenever something is about to start, there is always some commotion… I've never made resolutions for the new year. But this time, I don't know why going into the new year without any roadmap doesn't sound right. I don't like winters because I already feel very lazy, and on top of that, in the cold weather, I feel sleepy and can't leave my bed and blanket. I go out less anyway, and in winters, when there's hardly any sunlight, I face health issues. Also, sunlight is very important for mental health. It releases happy hormones. And when I don't get sunlight in winters, I face a lot of physical and mental stress. The point to note is that the new year falls in the harsh cold, but according to the Hindi calendar, the new year will start in April ...

 01:30 am So today what happened is that I was under pressure for so many days, which is why I couldn't sleep at all last night. I was just crying... I woke up at 6 in the morning thinking about what I would do and how I would do it... I just couldn't get out of bed. How does someone who doesn't wake up that early manage to get up so early to go for an exam... Anyway, I had to go... I was alone at the center... many students like me were standing outside the gate... I was pretending that everything was normal, but I was very scared inside. Mostly everyone was in formal attire, and I was in casuals. I felt like I didn't even look presentable... I was trying to find my room number somehow... while standing in line, 3-4 people talked to me about the exam, and somehow my confidence got a boost. There was a girl there, very smart... she came and asked me for the center code and wished me all the best. I was really happy with just that little thing . I was overthinking for ...

 12:30 am I have this strange tension, this strange stress. Yesterday was a bit different... quite tiring, quite exhausting... but everything was fine. I don't know, a monotonous life feels problematic. And even when something different happens, it still feels strange. But I'm trying to get used to these changes. I know that maybe this will make me better, but right now I feel quite sad. I don't know... I'm really scared of tomorrow. Especially when something happens that I'm afraid of. Anyway, keeping all these thoughts inside doesn't help. Some things are meant for our betterment. I'm trying to lighten my mind by writing all this, but I don't know, I still don't understand much. I'm just gathering courage. I'll try to take the experiences from yesterday as lessons and face tomorrow with happiness and new energy. I'm also feeling like crying a lot. Tonight is going to be the longest night of the year. I just want to cry. I feel like text...

 01:01 am What has happened has happened. Now maybe I can't change that. I had told myself that I had accepted defeat. But today I was thinking that if life is giving a chance, then what’s the problem in starting fresh again? Yesterday, I went to Hanuman Ji's temple for darshan, where a girl had placed a diya 🪔 at the threshold. When I opened the door to go inside, that girl turned her diya to the side so that it wouldn't fall. Then, while I was doing pooja inside, a man, who seemed to be the priest, opened the other side of the door, and the diya that the girl had lit fell… the oil from the diya separated, and its wick also fell.… I felt bad, but I was amazed to see that the wick was still burning . From this, I realized something different; I gained positive energy that when you are under the protection of God, you shouldn't be afraid. No one can harm you… In my childhood, I used to think that I would find a magic pencil like in " Shaka Laka Boom Boom " to ...

02:05 am I have been feeling a desire to earn money lately, which I didn't have before. I remember when I was in college, I thought I could easily get any job. To be honest, I still can, but the problem is that I've given up on myself . However, for the past few weeks, I've been thinking about ways to earn money. I want something that suits me and will make me happy. I watched a movie called " Meiyazhagan ," where a bicycle plays a significant role. I also have a strong attachment to bicycles. I remember when I was in school, in 5th grade, I came first, and my parents asked me what I wanted as a gift. I was very shy and a content child, i told them to give me a bicycle if I came first again the next year. Unfortunately, I ended up coming second in 6th grade. Then, in 7th grade, I did come first, but on the day of the prize distribution, I received the trophy for second rank. When I got home, I didn't know how to ask for the bicycle. I did get scolded a bit, bu...

 3:00 am I have said in my blog that I have started having trouble staying positive and that I want to step out of my comfort zone. To be honest, even a minor change makes me upset. If something goes wrong at home, like if my parents fall ill or if someone changes their tone while talking, I get anxious just thinking about old friends I no longer talk to. Right now, I get anxious even when I have to go away from home for an exam. I am very friendly, but I am not friends with everyone. I can't adjust with everyone, but maybe others can. I sit on the right side of my bed in my room, leaning against a pillow. If someone else sits there, I remove them from that spot because i feel strange sitting on the other side of the bed. Isn’t it weird? I know it is!! I am scared of changes. But I know that if there are no changes, there is no growth in life because you don't get any different experiences. Anyway, I don't know why I become so anxious... but I think I get too scared. If th...

2:45 am  I remember there was a girl in my class whom I didn't talk too much... but she had been with me for many years. One day, the seating arrangement was such that she sat next to me...  I noticed that the notebook she had had dark brown pages.  It seemed like if you rubbed an eraser too hard, the paper could tear. The teacher had been telling her for three days to change her notebook, but she was probably careless... or maybe it didn't matter to her; otherwise, after so much scolding, who wouldn't listen? Her hair was brown, and some people used to make fun of it. Her skin was quite oily. She used to come with kajal on her eyes. She also had some bright-colored nail paint on her hands, which is why she would get punished in the morning assembly. Anyway, a few days later, she stopped coming to class... But one day she came to school. That day, I don't know why, I felt like talking to her... I asked her how she was and where she had been all those days. She smiled...

 03:03 am Once upon a time, there was a village where a very poor family lived. The father sold some goods from a cart and sometimes worked as a laborer, while the mother did household chores in someone else's house. By doing all this, they could manage to get some food to eat during the day. They had a little girl who always watched the girls playing hockey a little far from their home. All those girls were from wealthy families.  One day, a girl's hockey stick broke, and she threw it away as she left. At that moment, the little girl from the poor family picked up the stick and tried to fix it. Just then, the coach arrived and was impressed to see her playing. However, he told her that she was still very weak and needed to gain at least 10 kg to be able to play. The coach suggested that she should eat chicken every day, but the poor girl didn't even have two meals at home. During bad weather, their hut would get blown away, so how could she eat chicken? But what could the ...

 2:03 am Today, in the afternoon, an admit card for an exam arrived for which I haven't studied at all. I thought it would get canceled, but life surprises you in different ways. I felt anxious, and my body trembled, reminding me of old days. I covered myself with a blanket and lay down, feeling tense. The room light was off, it was afternoon, and the window was slightly open, but the curtain was drawn. A little ray of sunlight was coming in through the window due to the breeze... I don’t know when I fell asleep while staring at it. Do you know what this phenomenon is called? I studied it in school. The Tyndall effect , which describes the scattering of light by particles in a colloid or particles in a very fine suspension.In life, we often face obstacles that can obscure our path, much like the particles in a colloid that scatter light. However, it is essential to remember that these challenges can lead to growth and transformation. The Tyndall effect teaches us that what may init...

 2:30 am This morning, when I woke up, a Lata Mangeshkar song was playing somewhere.  क्या कहा है चाँद ने,  जिसको सुन के चाँदनी… हर लहर पे झूम के, क्यों ये नाचने लगी..  चाहत का है हरसू असर फिर क्यों मुझको लगता है डर??? A little bit of her voice had entered my ears. It had made my mind quite enchanted. And coincidentally, right now, the cold moon is shining in the sky. At this moment, it is at its peak. The Cold Moon, which refers to the full moon in December, occurs around this time every year. It is named so because it is when the cold increases and nights feel chilly. This name was first given by Native American tribes, reflecting the weather of this time. The moon looks very beautiful and bright tonight. I don’t go out much, but yesterday evening when I stepped out, my eyes went straight to the moon. It felt like the moon was waiting just for me. It seemed like there was no distance between me and the moon. I should tell you... everything in the distance looks blu...

 2:19 am Earlier, when things used to get really difficult for me sometimes, I thought that dy!ng would be better than living. When I used to hear about someone committing SU!C!DE , I wondered how people could do that. But when the COVID phase came, things got so bad for me that I started to think that maybe dy!ng was easier than living. However, now I don’t think like that at all. I believe that sometimes things can get really terrible, but what about those who are your loved ones? तकलीफ़ उनकी नहीं होती जो चले जाते हैं, तकलीफ़ उनकी होती जो रह जाते हैं। Anyway, my topic today is not about su!c!de, but rather about Section 309 of the IPC in our country, which states that if you survive a SU!C!DE attempt, you could end up in jail or have to pay a fine. Indian laws be like bachayenge bhi hum, maarenge bhi hum !!! 🤡 Today, I saw that Allu Arjun, who is a big star in the South, was arrested in a stampede case. When the police came to take him, he leisurely finished his coffee, gave a k...

2: 50 am It’s a strange situation. Just when I feel that my mental health is improving and my mindset is becoming positive, suddenly my physical health deteriorates. It's been more than two months, and something or the other has been happening to me—sometimes dengue, sometimes typhoid, and so many stomach-related issues. An astrologer had told my daddy a long time ago that my health would be quite poor.There will always be challenges.This has come true. He also mentioned many other things, good things, like job opportunities and easy money, but none of those have come true. Hypocrisy ki bhi seema hoti hai yaar. I’m literally writing this blog with a headache.Vicks is not having any effect. Now let’s see what happens next. We’ll see if being physically weak will also ruin my mental state or if I can overcome all of this and make myself strong both mentally and physically. I even managed to defy medical science when I was born. (I will also share this story in some blog.)How can I gi...

 2:15 am Today I wasn't feeling well. I was resting all day, as I usually do... So what happened was that in the evening, during tea time, we were all sitting together... By then, mummy said that there was something special to eat today, but I said no, no, I'm not feeling well... I will just have tea... Then my mumma said, "Just look... what I've brought," and she took out some laiya ke laddoo aka murmura laddoo ( Puffed rice sweet balls) and said, "Do you remember how much you all used to eat these laddoos  in childhood and how you would fight among yourselves about who would eat more?" By then, daddy asked, "Is dadi not coming for tea? Bring her." Mummy said, "To be honest, when I went out for bank work today, I saw the laddus in the market, and the first thought that came to my mind was about mummy ji (dadi) , that’s why I brought them." Daddy then said, "I can't pay that much attention," and mom replied, "I am e...

2:45 am I remember today... there was a painting exhibition in my college, and in my department, there was only one girl who painted, and she was really good. But the department head probably said that at least two people should be involved; otherwise, the exhibition wouldn't happen. and because of that, my classmate asked me if I would paint for the exhibition. She said she would arrange the art supplies; I just had to give her the money and make 10 paintings, but I only had one or two days. I carelessly said yes without thinking about what I would make or how I would do it, and how I would finish it so quickly. Anyway, the exhibition day arrived... I swear, no one was even looking at my paintings... and my friend's paintings started selling. Obviously, her painting was very perfect. Out of her 10, 3 were bought, and all 10 of mine were just left there,  2 of which were sad art.  I wondered who would even buy such a silly sad painting, but no one was buying the remaining 8 pa...

 2:45 am All the tensions of the world are one side and one truth is on the other… 'What is yours will come to you.' When you accept this without doubt, things begin to unfold from there, and new paths open up. I always used to think, 'If only I had taken that stream, if only I had gone to that college, if only I hadn't made that friend.' If only this happened, if only that happened. But the truth is that what you think is not life; rather, what happens to you is your real life. You might think that the friend who left you did wrong to you. So why did that happen to you? And why does this always happen to you? At one time, that person was so good, then suddenly why did they leave life like that? You keep making a long list of your broken bonds, and your trust issues keep increasing, but have you ever thought that maybe the universe did you a favor by removing that person from your life? Because that friend might have betrayed you in the future in ways you can't ...

 1:55 am I often complain about the emptiness in my life. But today my perspective has changed. As I watched a spiritual video and learned about Kaal Bhairav, who is an avatar of Lord Shiva and is perhaps known as the most terrifying form.  You will see in many temples that Kaal Bhairav is established outside the garbhgrih and inside is Lord Shiva. And Kaal Bhairav is considered the deity of time and space, controlling all of that. Interestingly, we go beyond time and space every day... do you know how? In sleep. That is where the void exists. Every day, we get closer to Lord Shiva. In short, to reach Lord Shiva, you have to travel beyond time and space. There isn't much difference between sleep and meditation; it's just about being asleep or awake. That's why the structure of the temple indicates that to reach Shiva, you have to go through Kaal Bhairav. But the question arises, if everyone can reach there, then does everyone meet Lord Shiva? No... there is a vast differenc...

03:25 am  Today, I still feel so drained and exhausted. I don't know why this is happening, but in the morning, I was in a pretty good mood. I thought today wouldn't be gloomy... Everything was fine until the evening, but as night approached, I started feeling restless... Seeing everyone's story statuses made me feel like, wow, their lives are great, even though I know that the grass is greener on the other side. I know everything, yet I end up saying such illogical things. I know what my problem is and what the solution is, but why can't I do anything right? “ किसे चाहिए मन का सोना, आँख की मोती? किसे  पड़ी है, अंदर क्या है?   होती रेत है, लगता पानी।”  Everyone I talk to suggests that I should work on what’s bothering me, but I enjoy just sitting under a blanket in my room and being restless. Only five people read my blogs, including myself. And the other four know my life quite well. If my sad stories don't end, they might stop reading my blogs too. Because if ever...

 1:20 am Today is not a good day. I have no motivation. Nothing at all. The day brings a reality check, and my confidence just drains away. This happens when you want to live in a dream world and don't want to step out of it. In my life, not many people stay for long. They only stay when I keep a little distance. When I get too close, I fear that the other person might leave me after seeing my flaws. Well, this has always been the case, but today my mood is off, and the reason for it is something else. I try to stay away from all troubles, but what’s the point of keeping that distance when I restrict myself? Just today, I spoke to someone on the phone, and they made me realize that I have nothing new to share anymore. All old stories. Mostly from school or some offensive comment someone made, and I end up worrying about it all day. No productive work. Why have I become like this? I don’t know. When I am honest with others, why am I so disloyal to myself? Yesterday, I watched a movi...

 1:28 am  I really like neckpieces. Last night, I looked online but didn’t find anything special. Once, I saw a big unique neckpiece in the local market shaped like a turtle. At that time, I thought I would buy it later. And today, I still haven't gone to the market. I really like to procrastinate. You must have seen lazy people all over the world, but you probably haven't seen anyone like me. But I feel that when I procrastinate, that's when things go well for me. Once, I had to register something, and I ran around for 15 days to complete that task and surprised my family. I was very happy that for the first time, I didn't procrastinate. But a few months later, I found out that the thing I spent 20,000 on for registration is now worth just 1,000. Honestly, I felt very regretful about myself. Now think about it, people have been writing blogs for 20 years, and I have just come here when the Facebook and Instagram era has arrived. So you can understand how slow I am in e...

 2:02 am Today when I woke up in the morning, I found out that a boy from my school had died due to cardiac arrest. He was engaged, had a good social life, and was financially well-off, but last night when he slept, he never woke up again. In just one moment, so many dreams were buried. I didn't have much conversation with him, yet I felt very bad knowing this. Similarly, I saw in the news that there was a young IPS officer from Karnataka, and it was his first day in service. He went out in the morning and died in an accident, while perhaps the driver survived. I have heard since childhood that passing the UPSC exam is not easy for everyone. It takes a lot of hard work and patience. And that IPS officer achieved something at such a young age that people only dream of. All these things make me think that when something is meant to happen, it will happen, so  why should I worry? I can only do my part. The thread of my life is in someone else's hands. Everything is written about ...

3:15 am Have you ever felt that you become so mature that you only need a quiet environment around you, and you see yourself as the wisest and also the biggest fool? And then you just feel from your heart that now you want to be alone, not needing anyone's company, but at the same time, you remember that time when you were completely alone and you think about whom to call to talk to, to share your sorrows with someone who understands you. And remembering that time makes your soul tremble; then you think that whatever is happening, let it be. If you push away the few people you’ve gathered in your life, you will just be a living corpse, and you will lose what you’ve earned from life (people) as well. I read a quote today: “Maybe some people can’t stay happy in life because they are too busy keeping themselves strong.” I found this to be very relatable at the moment. याद रहे ये शोर शायद आपकी नाकामयाबी का है, लोगों को दूर करने से शांति नहीं आएगी। जिसे दूर करना चाहिए उसे तो आप ख़ुद हाथ...

3:15 am I am at the edge of life where I have achieved a lot according to my own standards, but in the eyes of the world, I may have lost everything because people judge your success based on your profession. So, I am unemployed, but I believe that in the phase I was in, I felt it was better to die. And now, the time has come when I want to live for myself. I want to make my people feel proud. Seven years ago, I didn't know what would happen in my life. Even today, I don't know. The only difference is that now I feel that whatever will happen will be good... In these seven years, what I have gained is confidence in myself (again). I have come a long way from that dark place. There is still more to go. Very few people know about that phase. It's not that those people didn't support me, but they weren't permanent; everyone came and left according to their convenience. If I were in their place, I would do the same (maybe I wouldn't). Anyway, whatever it is, I have ...

1:40 am I remember it was the IPL season, and it was MI's match. It's my favorite team. They almost lost to GL, then there was a super over, and in the end, MI won. I watched the entire match, but suddenly I felt guilt and went to the balcony and started crying because... as I was in 12th grade thinking that if I didn’t get good marks in the board exams, I wouldn't be able to do anything. My friend, who was also my roommate, told me, "You will do fine, just study well and get admission into a good college." But I felt that maybe I wouldn't get good marks; I was very scared. I even stopped sleeping during the board exam time. I couldn't fall asleep at all, and when I came back after giving the exams, I still didn't believe I could achieve anything. I was very afraid that all my friends would move ahead, and I would be left behind. So, I asked her, "Will you stay with me?" She replied that everyone has a different journey, and while we are toge...